snow. SNoW. sweet, lovely snow...falling...

The snow started falling at 9:45 pm on Christmas Day. We went to bed, not certain of what would come of it all. Did we dare hope, dream, of a beautiful snow fall? I know Ashley went to bed hoping and praying. I just went to bed exhausted.

This seemingly double life I have been living...taking care of a very fragile individual, Jackson, through the night, and then being fun and full of energy during the day, for the two beautiful daughters we have. It has been wearing me out. So, with this snow prediction...do I dare dream? If it comes, will I have the energy to play in it? With Jackson's situation, do I still dare to hope? The journey has been long...

When we were up at 2:00 am with Jackson, the snow had already fully blanketed the trees. It was beautiful. I cried. It was like mercy falling around me.

It was still coming down at 4:10. At 5:30, and at 8:05...when I finally went to bed for more than an hour. When I woke, with Gabi, at noon, we dressed for the snow. It was her very first snow. I could hardly pull her from the window to get her outside. She was filled with such wonder and amazement.

Ashley's prayers were answered, in abundance.

For me, do I still dare to hope, to have faith that the Lord would intervene?

In Relevant Magazine, Jan/Feb 2011 issue, Rachel Held Evans writes this...

"Faith isn't about being right or having all the answers or avoiding pain-it's about refusing to give up when it seems like you should."

Rockin' It!!!

Okay, I have written a bazillion postings, over the last few weeks, in my head. But alas, I have found no way, or time, to get them from my head to here! Today is different. I just have to get this out!

Over the last two months Jackson has been in and out of the hospital. It has been exhausting. Four months earlier, we returned from Africa with our sweet princess. 18 month before that, we started an addition on our house that is bigger than our existing house. We have been a busy family...to say the least.

In the midst of that I have found myself thinking, "Why get all dolled up to do construction?" With Gabi, I have found myself getting her all dolled up and then running out of time for me. (Sound familiar mommies?) Then with Jackson, we are doing around the clock care, back and forth to the hospital, getting very little sleep, etc. Suddenly, the jogging suit (that was sooo cute 3 years ago!) is so handy and comfy. Why not?

I should have thought something of it the day that I ran out for Todd and Bill to get a plumbing part. It was early. I jumped into some shorts and a t-shirt. Threw on a bit of lipstick...the perfect pick me up...NOT! (It is not enough ladies!) The guy at the store just gave me the part. I walked out of there with my head held high.

I was thinking,

"How sweet is that? He must like me!"

Then I took a look in the rear view mirror...SCREAM! That guy did not think I was cute!

He was thinking,

"Dear Lord! That Girl needs to invest in some cosmetics. I will give her this part!"

Okay, fast forward to recently...

I have stumbled upon "The Pleated Poppy", through another blog, My Pink Life. These adorable girls are taking pictures of themselves and posting on Wednesdays. What in the world?

Pleated Poppy explained that it is "What I Wore Wednesday". An accountability for her general appearance as a stay at home/work at home girl. Brilliant! She is making herself accountable to the blogging world. Creative. I like it! (It also keeps her from the scrutiny of the guys at the plumbing supply house!)

I have not come to the place of posting pictures of myself ...yet. I wish I could have posted a picture of myself today though! (Camera is with Hubs in Orlando).

WIWW has really challenged me to spruce myself up a bit, bring back some dignity. I do not want to appear worn out, sad or stressed. So, I have been dialing it up a notch (last week, one of the doctor's told me I looked great. Yippee. She really loved my shoes!)

So, I get ready to spend my day in PICU today. I want to look good when Jackson wakes up. I want him to say, "Hey! THAT'S my mom!"

Deciding to stop for gas, I use tons of napkins to touch the gas nozzle. (I just hate to get that gas smell on me. It just doesn't seem to wash off.) After filling my tank, it clicks off. I use my napkins to grab the handle to remove it from the van. Gas SPEWS all over me. There is little the napkins could do.

Washing up the best I could, I knew there was no going back home. I had to keep moving forward. What is a girl to do? What is between this point and the hospital...MARSHALL'S!

I pull into the parking lot, run in, grab three pairs of jeans, two shirts, a sweater. I run to the dressing room, tell the attendant I am frazzled and in a hurry. Could she relate? A flat "No, I can't." was her reply. Oh well, too bad for her.

Tearing off my clothes and jumping into the clearance jeans, perfect fit! The clearance t-shirt is next. ADORABLE! All that is left was the sweater. A no go. I throw my "gassy" clothes back on, grab my new things, try on another cardigan on the way to check out. PERFECT! Pay. Stop at the restroom. Change into fresh clothes...after bathing out of the sink and drying off with papertowels...whew...I know. BUT, I am rockin' it in my new skinny jeans!

All in just 18 minutes!

I got to the hospital in time to see Jackson's dressing change. His arm is healing. He woke up just for a few minutes at a time throughout the day. Tomorrow is another day. And another opportunity to get my "cute" on!

You know, it is not so important what I wear, but how I wear it. Am I wearing Love? What about Kindness? Gentleness? Compassion? Grace?

Those are the things that I want people to see...

well, that and my new skinny jeans!

"Necessity is the Mother of Invention." -Plato

Oh, the inventions I have seen with over these last weeks! The technology I have seen has caused me say, "Thank you, God!"

Seriously! I have moved into a place of total gratitude to the Lord for the ideas that He has unleashed into the minds of men (and women). The invention and technology have saved countless lives. Once again, in an unassuming way, the Lord has shown His great love to me...and to those I love.

I am totally impressed with "the vest" that goes around a bedridden patient. It vibrates the patient to keep lungs clear. When Jackson was inti bated, he had to have this therapy daily. It sounded like the high spin cycle of my washer. It last about 10 minutes, then they took it off and were on their way. How amazing for family members who are in long term comas. Just fascinating.

When Jackson went into surgery for his arm, the doctors had to remove dead tissue and the infection that was hiding beneath it, leaving a very large wound. Into that wound, they placed the "wound V.A.C." The Vacuum-Assisted Closure heals the wound 3 times faster.

The doctor told us that Jackson would be wearing this for 2-3 months. It stays on 24 hours a day and is changed every three days. He is sedated for the change out.

All this time, other doctors have come in for the procedure, to see the "impressive" wound. Well, at yesterday's procedure, everyone was SO impressed with the healing. The surgeon feels that he can move Jackson to a change out schedule of two days a week! He also feels that this healing may be wrapped up in three weeks! This is a miracle.

I believe the invention of the V.A.C. (at Bowman Gray Medical Center right here in North Carolina!) is a miracle. On top of that, God has preformed a miracle specific to the expedited healing of Jackson's arm.

We have walked through some very dark days here, the Lord being present in each moment of every day. Jackson came home last night to a very happy family. We still have a long road to travel. I am learning to go slow and enjoy the walk...I've been running for a very long time.

Back to necessity and Plato...

I see where Plato was coming from. There is a need, and we have a desire to see it met. It's part of the creativity that resides inside of each of us...it just comes out in different ways. What other inventions is the Lord wanting to release through his creation? The cure for autism, cancer, AIDS...the list goes on. What about the solution for clean water? Yes, I am sure of it. Friends and co-workers are woking on that right now...others are digging wells.

There is so much out there, that we are able to address. We need to first, look outside of ourselves and see the need. Then, we need to seek a way to meet that need.

You may not have the cure for autism (wish you did!), but you may have the answer to something else...how to advocate for someone with autism, how to get a meal to someone shut inside their home, training families in Africa to farm so that they can provide for their families. Maybe you have the knowledge and resources to make your local school better.

The thing is, there are many needs out there, each of us, in our own realm, has the way to meet that need. Go for it!

Lost

It's been so long since I have been here, I almost forgot the way. Really. Some may have thought I had lost my way. No worries, I'm back.

Gabi is sleeping on this beautiful fall afternoon. Ashley is just out the window at the "City Park." Jackson is watching a movie. Todd is out running errands and I am sitting here with the laptop. All seems so normal. (Well, not the part of me sitting with the laptop, especially in the afternoon.) So, let me give you a glimpse of what is really happening around here!

It is a beautiful fall day here in downtown Charlotte. Yes, downtown. Jackson has been in PICU and on the Pediatric floor for almost two weeks. So, Gabi is sleeping on the bench/parent bed in Jackson's room. Ashley is outside his room's window, playing at the beautiful park, provided by Microsoft and he and I are watching Aristocats for the millionth time. I'm not complaining.

After 6 days of being intibated and all those days in PICU, I am thrilled to have him in a room, sitting up and watching movies between naps and walks around the floor. It is Friday and as "everyone knows", Friday is sundae making day in the playroom. (How did Todd luck out to be here for two, yes 2!, Fuel Pizza parties. That is more my style!)

We have had a very intense couple of weeks, preceeded by a very intense summer (no time, or heart, for blogging). I am "back logged" with thoughts, amazing stories of what has gone on this summer...with the house, sweet baby girl Gabi, Jackson and awesome big sis, Ashley.

For now, this simple update, from room 208...

Almost 2 weeks ago, Jackson was brought to the hospital, for an infection in his arm. After 36 hours of intense antibiotics and no visable change, Jackson was seen by a pediatric surgeon, sent for an MRI and then immediately into surgery. Here, the doctor had to remove a portion of Jackson's forearm. To say the situation was serious would be an understatement!

Later in the week, the surgeon let us know how serious it was...life threatening. Then, over the weekend, the attending pediatrician told Todd, "Your son is very lucky. People in his situation usually do not make it to the hospital." Well, how thankful to get this information after the fact. Seriously! I know it is God's grace that I made it through each day. And God's mercy that Jackson is alive.

We are so grateful. We have a long road ahead of us. I have seen God inspired inventions on this journey. Technology that would amaze you. Things that are used to save Jackson's arm and his life. I am grateful.

I am also grateful for the incredible friends that have offered to sit with us, spend the night with Jackson so we could get a night at home, texts from a far, meals, a friend that flew in...just for a few hours...because he and his wife wanted us to know that we are not alone. There are the amazing friends that have brought meals, offered to help with the girls, sent notes, left messages on the phone, prayed for us, telling others to pray for us, etc.

To be the recipient of all this love and outpouring of kindness leaves me speechless (a miracle in itself, right!?) and teary.

We continue to covet your prayers as we walk through this season. We do not know how long we will be here...at least another week, maybe longer.

Not sure what the path looks like from here on out. We definitely are not lost, just taking it slow, one day at a time.

Whirlwind...

After waiting for three and a half years, we got that, now infamous, email...

"Your baby is waiting!"

From that moment, life seems to have been a whirlwind. Could it be true? We had been "close" a few times before. This time, we got our shots, started packing (truth be told, it took me less than a day...I'd already done it in my mind a million times over!), made arrangements for our kids, made phone calls, bought our tickets and obtained our visas. Whew!

It is like having a baby...you make all these plans, go through child birthing classes, tour the hospital, buy the needed supplies, feel a few contractions and then...POW! The real labor starts and all the fine planning is out the window and things are moving faster than the "idyllic vision" ever dreamed! We were there this time around as well. Only now, instead of labor snacks for Todd, our suitcase was filled with foil pouches of tuna!

As we flew over Africa, from Casablanca to Lome, I just looked out the window, listening to a compilation, on my ipod, that my sweet friend Janelle had put together for me. Two songs I played over and over, as tears streamed down my face, You Are For Me (Kari Jobe) and Flight Over Africa (John Barry). The long years of waiting had broken into a whirlwind that now had me flying over Africa to meet my daughter for the first time.

I did not know what to expect. I did know that I didn't want to miss as a single moment...not one. There had been too many tears, prayers, dreams, more tears and prayers leading to this moment. I wasn't going to miss anything.

Before we left the JFK, my dear friend Ruth sent me "Traveler's Prayer" from the The Transliterated Siddur...

"May it be Your will, Lord, My God and God of my ancestors, lead me, to direct my steps and to support me in peace. Lead me in life, tranquil and serene, until I arrive at where I am going. Deliver me from every enemy, ambush and hurt that I might encounter on the way and from all afflictions that visit and trouble the world. Bless the work of my hands. Let me receive divine grace and those loving acts of kindness and mercy in you eyes and in the eyes of all those I encounter. Listen to the voice of my appeal, for you are a God who responds to the prayerful supplication. Praised are you, Lord, who responds to prayer."

Responds indeed!

While stepping off the plane in Togo, I KNEW that the Lord was going before us. I also knew, immediately, that this would be the hottest place that I have ever been!

As our friends drove us from the airport to the YWAM location, I took in every sight, sound and smell. This was my daughter's country. I have a deep sense of needing to know everything I can, so that when she needs to remember, I can remember with her.

Two CERTAINLY is better than one...

20 years ago today, my dream came true...I married my true love and my best friend.

I remember on our first anniversary I said, "Oh my gosh! I married a stranger. I thought I knew you so well when we got married, but that was just the tip of the iceberg." Now, 20 years later, I love to say that I am still getting to know new things about my guy. What an adventure!

Never, NEVER did I imagine what great treasures, and truths, we would discover on this journey. It has been really amazing. We have traveled the world together. We have seen dreams fulfilled. We have laughed. We have loved. We have cried. And, we have laughed and loved some more.

I'm not sure this is where I pictured us in 20 years...but then again, I never really "pictured" us. I just knew we would be having loads of adventures...together... that's all that mattered to me. Not sure what the future held, but knowing that God held the future.

So, when we reviewed our itinerary for Togo, we were pleasantly surprised to see that we had a layover in Casablanca, Morocco. (Yes! The same Casablanca as the movie.)

We looked at each other and said,

"Happy Anniversary Baby!"

Not only did we have a layover, Royal Air Maroc Airlines, put us up at the local hotel for the day. Oh, the life of a missionary...

So, needless to say, there is no need for the dream cruise to celebrate our 20th, no huge party. Our African Adventure was a celebration of a lifetime...and continues to be. We are one very happy couple that is more in love than ever. So blessed with our 3 beautiful children...it's so fun to say 3, three, 3!!!!!

We are intentional to see each day as a celebration and to thank God for the people that He has placed in our lives. Grateful for the places we have seen, the people we have met along the way and the lives that have touched ours. We are truly blessed beyond measure.

I'm excited to see what will unfold in the next 20 years...

home...

What bliss!

We have been home for one month this week. It is so hard to believe. I don't even know where to begin. This has been quite the journey...to say the least.

In looking over the process, there is something that has been so rich and actually sacred for me. I haven't written for that reason...and all the other reasons that come with having a teenager, tween and a toddler all under my care!

I want to explore my journal here, over the next few weeks, to give you just a glimpse of this truly amazing journey. For today, the word is grateful...

and pictures speak thousands of words...