Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Words Not Yet Spoken

"Love you Momma!"

What sweet words so long ago. I still remember the mornings I would go into Jackson's room. He would be standing up in his crib, and in his baby talk would say those precious words. At the time, I did not realize how truly precious those words would be, or how they would stay etched in my heart and mind forever. It was not long after that, that Jackson stopped using words. Then , he slowly withdrew into a place I never wanted, or intended, to go. (I soon realized that no one was asking about my intentions!)

Months later, Jackson was diagnosed with "childhood autism." (Childhood only because it was diagnosed at that time...not that he would "outgrow" it, or age out of it.) It was there, at that juncture in the road, that we needed to make a decision.

Do we "go home", or do we continue to walk out in the destiny that God had for us? (We had just started to pioneer YWAM-Charlotte. We were in a new city, meeting new friends, getting new doctors, etc.) We were, still are, convinced that the Lord knows what He is doing. Nothing takes God by surprise. He is never out of control, and I am never out of His sight or His care.

We continued to move forward.

There were many days that I cried so much one day, I was in bed with a migrane the next. God was still there, ever present, ever faithful, ever loving, ever just...during an uncertain time, God was very certain, very constant.

We made a decision that we would stand on what we believed to be the word of the Lord to us. There were times when we, with respect, declined the way of the "experts." At times it was contrary to our values and our beliefs in what God could do. There are many other times that we fell into bed at night, praising God for all the "experts" He had placed in our lives that day.

Long ago we made a choice. We choose JOY! We have walked, with dear family and friends, on this path for almost 14 years. I would never wish autism for anybody. I also would not trade what I have been given on this journey for anything in the world.

I believe that I know the Lord in ways I would never have known Him otherwise. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He is faithful, kind, trustworthy, loving, merciful, full of grace, compassionate near, ever present, my refuge and strong tower. The list goes on. These are not cute sayings, church talk...this is my life line. The Lord is my life.

On this journey we came to realize the meaning of Jackson's name. "God is gracious. God's gracious gift."


As far as Jackson is concerned, he tells me he loves me. It is just words not yet spoken. It is when he lets me hug and kiss him. When he crawls into bed with us on a Saturday morning. When he unexpectantly holds my hand, stands so close to me that I feel I have doubled in size! Sweet things.

I long for the day that words pour out of Jack Jack (a nick name and sometimes a way he writes out his name). I want to be a person from Hebrews 11, around verse 13, it talks about those, having died in faith, believed that God could do it and because of their faith God is proud to be called their God. I want that.

We still have journeying ahead of us, but looking back...we have traveled far and well. God has been, and will continue to be, faithful.

"Two roads diverged in a wood and I-
I took the one less traveled by
and that has made all the difference."

-Robert Frost

We will wait for words not yet spoken.


gaylafriend said...

thank you, vickie, for sharing that story. beautiful.

your courage and joy are an inspiration!

Tribe Spahr said...

oh vickie, this is so precious! i loooove the picture of jackson with the crab! too cute! God bless you, girl..xoxo

Colleen said...

I love you!! I've been praying for your family!

ellenleroy said...

Jackson is an amazing young man! As his teacher for three amazing years, I watched as he made astounding progress. But more importantly, Jackson taught me so much about our Heavenly Father. Jackson showed me that God gives each of his children special gifts. Jackson is a servant - always willing to help someone in need. He is also an incredible artist with creativity that always amazed me. Jackson is a blessing from God!

Folded Wings said...

Vicky... I remember the days in the flat in Sweden with you and Todd and Jackson... thanks for sharing this about your journey. I am moved by your choice ... to choose JOY! I have a blog too: and my blog title/name is FOLDED WINGS

I will come back to visit you often I hope I will see you at my blog too!

much love